The Glass House of Nicolerene

10 years ago...

My son was born and I became a mother for the first time. My life was changed forever. My little baby boy who today turned 10 years old will have my heart forever. I love this child more than there are ways to describe. I am so proud of my son. He is a beautiful soul.

I have cried today... tears of sadness and tears of joy. I am hurting because I was not able to spend this day with my child. I feel like someone ripped my insides out today. I just want my son in my arms. I just want to reach out and touch his face and smile at him. 

I want to slow down time because he wont be a little boy much longer. The next ten years will turn that boy into a man though he will still be my baby. The next ten years will go by so quick and he will be so busy with life that sometimes he wont have time for me but I know I will be so proud of him and I will enjoy watching him grow up. There is another 10 years of firsts for him. There will be first girl friends and kisses and the first time driving and and a million more awkward firsts as my baby grows up. I want to be there for my son and I want him to know that I will always be there to help him. I know there are going to be days that I wont be happy with him and other days that I will be the proudest mom in the world but no matter what I will love him every day. 

I have thought about a million moments today. Moments that fill my heart with memories of the last ten years. The moment he was born, those first steps,  and every cute and cuddle moment we have. I remembered when I was pregnant with Austin and Kyle would blow raspberries on my stomach and the week his father left me I was so broken and I was laying down and he came up to me and said " Mommy, whats wrong? " I told Kyle that my heart was hurting and he told me to wait a minute. He ran off into his room and I heard him digging around and then a few moments later he walked back into my room with his toy stethoscope and said " see mommy, I can fix it for you". There is nothing more amazing in the world. I will never ever forget that. My boy is the sweetest child in the world and I love him so so so much. I could go on with a million moments of this child's life but I am having a hard time typing because I can not stop crying. It's late and I am sitting here alone not having to take care of anyone or anything and I don't have to fight the real crying back so it kind of just took over me. 

 

 

While I was pregnant with Kyle I fell in love with the movie Duets and even today its still on my favorite list. I got the soundtrack for Christmas and I started singing this to Kyle before he was born and after I would hold him and dance with him to this song. When he was around 3 and 4 we would still turn it on and dance. 

Hopefully he will have a dance with me when he gets back...

 

 

Happy Birthday Kyle!!! I love you baby!!!

Goodnight

Overwhelmed... maybe a bit... so please excuse my rambling

Dear who ever is listening, 

I am here and feeling somewhat overwhelmed. I am so behind on so many things because Ben has been working away from home for over a year and now that he has been working near home I am trying to play catch up and spend some time with him. I am overwhelmed with getting pictures from Ella's beautiful birthday together. I have some on my phone and some on the camera and really I did not take any myself.. maybe like 4...It means I have to sit down and focus and that's been hard. Ella has me on my toes. She is a climber. She also figured out how to move the pack and play that I use to block off the playroom so she would be confined in here with me..( my desk is in a corner of the playroom ) and its not really a spot that a baby gate would work. She is such fun though. I am loving every moment with this little girl. She gets my heart worked up all day long with all her cuteness and love. She is a very very loving little girl, who likes to give kisses and hugs and if you are really lucky she might just tell you she loves you. This little girl LOVES books. She is always walking around with a book and she will just plop right down somewhere and open it up and start checking it out. She tried to walk through Goodwill yesterday while reading. She is just so darn cute!!! The big kids finished school this past week and are with their Dad for 4 weeks... I think I just might die being away from them for that long with no visit!!! As much as Ella is melting my heart there is a huge hole in it when I am away from the older ones. They are still my babies even though Kyle is going to be the big TEN on the 30th. I can not believe that!!! He was just born... Kyle is my special boy. With all of these girls and him being the only boy its a special thing we have. Since he will not be with me this year for his birthday I am going to send him a "party in a box". I did this with Austin last year since she was with her dad. I will make cupcakes in jars so they stay nice and fresh and put a ton of confetti and other birthday treats in a box and mail it to him so it arrives right on his birthday. Then we will get on skype when he opens it and we will wear party hats and eat cake together. Its the next best thing. Before skype I will get some balloons up and a happy birthday banner so it will be decorated around me when he sees me. Then as soon as they come back we have a special day planned for Kyle and his friend. So when my heart is broken when I am away from my babies on their birthday I try to have something planned for them that I get excited about to keep me positive but it is probably the hardest thing ever to be away from them on birthdays but fair is fair... even though I don't think its fair because I gave birth... but that's the life of divorced parents. Then there is my computer. It is about to die. I am working on getting my pictures moved over to a hard drive but that's years of pictures and it takes a long time so I am doing it in small batches but I still have some that I have not organized into the right folders and yes I am OCD with my pictures and my folder system I have them in, but hey we all have our things. I am afraid to even turn my computer on and its so hard to use because its so slow and old and just well broken. What should take me 10 minutes to do takes me a half an hour and things like opening a page can take ten minutes if it even works. I need a new one but I do not see that happening in the near future so I am trying to be nice to this thing. We also are trying to finish projects at the house. I have told you before about the half finished this and the half finished that well we are starting to finish things. The kitchen did get painted before the birthday party.. GO US!!! We do have some more work in there though. There is this horrible back splash that we are going to take down but then we have to fix the wall and find some new tile. Our bathroom that has been holding until after Easter and the party is back in full swing. My Uncle did the tile in the shower and now we have to finish the rest. Ben took the toilet out tonight and after over a month of debating, we are going to change the tile on the floor to match the new shower. We were not planning on it since removing tile is one b%#@h of a job but since Ben is home a lot more right now we figured we will go ahead and take the plunge and do it and this allows us to use a bathroom vanity that we have at our other house that we like instead of buying a new one. So it will be a bit more work but it will be worth it when its done and it will save money. Now I just have to keep Ben reminded of all this when he is in there taking this tile up. I need to have some more serious yard sales as well. We finally got some stuff listed for sale on craigslist and I hope to start emptying things out. We are still going to be moving when the other house sells so we have got to get rid of this stuff. There is no way we would be able to move with all of this. Saving so much has helped me a lot of times... just with Ella, most of her clothes and toys are things that I saved from the older kids but my garage is just out of hand with stuff. I also would like to make some room in there for the kids to be able to use it to play in this summer. We have an almost finished garage so we have AC, flooring and finished walls out there and the people before built a little stage and I think the kids would have fun if the girls could play school and have music bands and Kyle could put up the pool table for him and his bud. So even though I have lots of motivation, I walk out there and become instantly so overwhelmed. Hopefully my want to make it a nice space will help me out in the next few weeks before the kids get back and we can get this going. I will feel like a million pounds are off my shoulders when its done. We have more work in the yard as well but we did get a huge project out back done before the party. Ben finished my landscaping around our porch and I LOVE IT!! So yes we are getting things done but as always there are a million more adding up and a million other stresses with moving and Ben's work and future school and of course the big one... MONEY... but we keep going and moving along and I am trying to focus on the pretty things to keep a smile on my face. So much of our future is unclear right now and in other people hands and that is so hard but I am keeping my fingers crossed that in the next few months things work out. 

I hope life is going well for everyone else out there. I hope the stress is low. 

Have a wonderful week!!!

Yours Truly, 

_{P.S If my computer stays alive there will be some upcoming posts about pancakes, jam, our dolphin pictures and of course a little girls birthday party...} 

_{P.P.S I know I am overwhelmed a lot but hey thats life...right?}

 

 

Flashback... (then and now)...

 

October 2002

 

This is Kyle and Kelsey. 

A long long time ago in a land far far away I left my home in FL to move to GA. Shortly after moving there I made a friend named Jennifer. She was a mom of 3 young children, Denver, Cole and Kelsey. Jennifer and I became close friends and she was the first and one of the few good friends I made there. I have a lot of silly memories of her and I trying to figure out this life while our husbands were always gone. We had fun trying to shove a TV that did not fit through the door opening into the back seat of her car and she rescued Kyle and me when I forgot a pot of baby bottles boiling on my stove until the water was gone and all of the plastic and rubber melted and filled my house with horrible smoke. It seems like a million years ago in my other life. I had my Kyle and I adored Kelsey. She was such a happy baby and her and Kyle would baby play together. They were very very cute and they became baby friends. I loved how Kelsey would hold her bottles with her feet. I thought that was just the coolest thing ever!!! Many years have gone by... Jen and her family moved away because that is what happens in the Army and we lost touch for a while. Now years later I am back in FL and she is in MO but we are still friends and we get to share pictures and story's about our kids with each other. We were so much younger then and we had little babies. Now they are so grown up and it is crazy. I am still in contact with some of the other friends I made during that time and I am really glad that I have been able to keep these friendships. 

They are special to me...

Now Kyle and Kelsey were baby friends and have not seen each other since they were under the age of 2. They do not remember any of this. But any time I see a picture of Kelsey I can not help but to think back on these kids as babies. Wasn't it just yesterday they were sitting in that chair being babies??? It gets me every time.

Above is a picture of Kyle and Kelsey then...

Below is Kyle and Kelsey now...

CRAZY!!!!!!

Look at these kids... our little babies growing up so fast. 

...Time flies so enjoy every moment and cherish every memory...

Have a great weekend!!!

Nicole

~ Thanks so much Jen ~

Flashback...

 

October 18, 2009

 

Ko Samui, Thailand

An island in the Gulf of Thailand

I love this picture.

I love this memory.

I love this story.

 

This is the story of an incredible journey. To me its a magical story. A fairytale of sorts. The kind of thing doesn't happen to a girl like me. 

 

To tell this story I am going to go back even further. Lets say the summer of 1992...

There was this boy who just moved to FL from WI. I met him because there was a new girl in my 4th grade class. We found out that her and I rode the same bus and lived in the same neighborhood and we became wonderful friends and she had a WONDERFUL brother. Oh was he wonderful. I was in love... I was madly in love. The school year ended and my mom worked and my new friends mom stayed home so I was able to spend the summer at their house so I did not have to sit home alone all everyday. This was great. I got to have a wonderful summer with a new friend and my CRUSH. By the end of the summer I was going to marry this boy. Well time goes by and we are all friends and then we go to Jr. High. I am still madly in love. I think at one point he agreed to be my boyfriend but then stopped talking to me so I figured I was never going to get this boys attention. Then one night I had some friends over and this boy was over and OMG he kissed me. AHHHHHH!!! ( now I am 14 at this time so yes this was a AHHHHHH moment) But then... nothing... So my first serious boyfriend ended up being one of his best friends. Then that ended and not well so I went on with life down another road and made new friends. And I didn't see this boy anymore. I thought about him. The years went by. Before we know it I am 19 and getting married and moving away. I came back to visit. And for some reason even though I knew he was grown up as well I would still drive by his parents house whenever I was in town. I never ever forgot this boy. Time keeps going and I am divorced and living back at my moms house, back in the neighborhood we grew up in. I move back out on my own again with my munchkins and then I ran into another old friend. I hung out with this friend and we took a walk in the neighborhood that we grew up in with my kids one day. So of course we were talking about everyone. And then we walked by the house that this boy grew up in. He said he talked to him and his sister sometimes and we talked about memories and went along. But I went home and I could not get this boy out of my head. I just wanted to say hi. So what do we do when we want to talk to someone from long ago??? Facebook of course... Now until 3 weeks before this, I did not have a Facebook. 3 weeks before my favorite cousin was visiting and I said what the hell, whats it going to hurt and made a Facebook. Well this could not have been at a better time. So I looked him up. And I found him and sent him a message...

 

He responded. 

 

And the stars must have been lined up just perfect. 

 

And we talked on Facebook and found out that we were both divorced and we talked about things from when we were kids so hey why not get together this weekend. 

And we did...

And the weekend after that...

And the weekend after that...

So now here we are in September 2009. Every weekend this boy would come up from his job in the Keys and spend the weekend with me. Well... one weekend in September he came to my house and said that he had received a phone call saying that his cousin was going to be going to Thailand in 2 weeks and was wondering if he would want to go. He wanted to go all right but we were falling madly in love with each other and he was having a hard time knowing we would be apart for so long. Well the end of the weekend came and out of nowhere he asks me to go to Thailand with him. ARE YOU CRAZY??? I HAVE 3... DO YOU HEAR ME, 3 KIDS AND A JOB AND NO VACATION TIME AND ARE YOU CRAZY? I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PASSPORT OR MONEY OR OMG ARE YOU CRAZY? I CANT GO TO THAILAND. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? ( now... as I am freaking out I am obviously on cloud 9 just for the fact that he wanted me to go ) The next day I had to go pick up the kids from their dad and while I was driving along down the highway asking myself if this really happened, I called my mom. I asked her a big question... I thought she would laugh at me and then yell at me for being crazy to even think... but I asked. 

Me: Mom, if by any chance I can get 2 weeks off of work and a passport, can you watch my kids so I can go to Thailand with this boy I was madly in love with from the ages of 10-14 and that I am currently sleeping with now at age 27

Mom: Yes

( ok so obviously not exact words but really it was amazing that she understood this was a once in a lifetime chance and was behind me to help ) 

The next day was Monday and I went to work and sat down to ask my boss a big question. 

Me: I know that we are in the middle of a huge company merger and the largest change goes into effect at the end of the month and that I do not have any vacation time but can I please have 2 weeks off with no pay so that I can go to Thailand

Boss: Its okay with me... Lets double check with my boss. I will let you know when I hear back. She is out of the office so it may be a few days

Me: Awesome, great, okay

Well 2 HOURS later I receive an email from my boss saying that as long as I am back by a certain date I am free to go. So I called the local passport office and they said sure just pay an extra $50.00 and you can get a rush passport in time to go. 

UMMMMM..... OMG!!!!!! IS THIS REALLY ALL HAPPENING... IS EVERYTHING ACTUALLY WORKING?????

 

 Midnight October 13, 2009 (this is also my 28th birthday) I am landing in Bangkok, Thailand. PINCH ME NOW PLEASE. OH STOP THAT HURTS...

This trip was incredible. Just getting there was amazing but the trip well... There are not words to describe the most amazing 2 weeks of my life. *

After spending some time in Bangkok we took a 8 hour bus ride in the middle of the night to another part of Thailand and then we took a boat to go spend a few days on one of the islands. We then went to another island and spent one night there and that is when this picture was taken. We then flew back to Bangkok and spent a few more days there and then headed to Tokyo for 3 days.

_{I will over time write more about things from this trip. It was an amazing time for me. Something that just does not happen to a girl like me. But it did. This happened and it is really hard for me to try to describe it. Should I make this more about the actual trip? Probably but I think the fun in this is how I got there and how this memory came to even happen. I know there is a part of me that still does not believe that this trip ever happened. It seems like such a dream.} 

So there is still what happened with the boy and me...

Everyone that we talked to before leaving to go on this trip joked that we would come back married. It really was crazy but everyone said this.

We didn't...

But 2 weeks later we took the kids to the courthouse and eloped. And that is how I became the Mrs. to my Mr.

and

that is how 17 years after I met him and fell in love and declared that I was going to marry that boy...

I DID 

 

XOXOXOXOXO

Nicole

* Amazing 2 weeks of my life  is meant to be most amazing 2 weeks of my life not counting anything related to my children. They are better then any trip to anywhere with anyone... I just had to say this because I am weird and I feel weird writing that something other then my kids is the most amazing thing in my life. 

 

What I have been doing...

HI

I can't believe it is already Wednesday. The days are flying by. The weekend came and went so fast. I could not believe it when I sat there Sunday night asking myself if it was really over. Everyday has just been so busy. 

 

So our weekend... well it started great. My cousin and her friend arrived Friday night and we had chinese food and hung out and everything was great. Then I woke up in the morning and discovered that my cousin was SICK. Oh was she sick. Poor Cara was laid out on the couch as the weekend sped by. Ben and I went to get the new piano.. finally. I LOVE IT!!! Its home and even though it needs me to fix the paint on it (eventually I would love to strip the paint that some moron in the past 80 years painted it with, it was once orange and then painted black, it has beautiful wood underneath that, so one day it will happen, like when my kids are grown up and I have that kind of time on my hands) it looks amazing. And Ella loves it!!! She would play the other one with Ben but she LOVES this one. She crawls over to it and stands there waiting for you to come pick her up and sit her on the bench to play. She can just reach the edge of a few keys so she will try to play herself. And if you play it, she will stand there and dance. She gave her grandma's a great laugh the other night as she showed off her new moves. By Sunday afternoon Cara and Sam had to get ready to leave but we headed over to the beach for some pizza. Then the girls hit the road and the weekend was... sadly over. 

 

Monday______________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________ Oh Monday how I hated you!!!!! You chewed me up and spit me out this week. There is no other way to put it... Monday sucked this week. It hit my like a truck. I had a very hard time letting Ben leave this week. I just could not do it. I cried... I acted like a baby and felt like I was going to die when he walked out the door. I know... grow up Nicole... but every once in a while I get a week like that. Hell, I am only human and I just want my husband home... Is that really so much to ask?? In my past life I was an Army wife. I have done my time with deployments and all the other separation time that comes with that life. I did it, I got the t-shirt and then I burned that baby!!! I guess its just not in my cards to have a husband at home with me. Maybe one day... a girl can dream... right? 

So lets move on... Good bye Monday, Hello Tuesday... 

 

Well when I went to bed Monday I had my head set that I was going to go to sleep and wake up Tuesday and all the horrible would be gone and it would be all rainbows and sunshine for me... Ya well I was wrong... I woke up feeling like death. Now it was not related to my love being away... it was this stupid cold that I have been fighting for a month. Seriously... a month. I got sick on Jan 30th... and I can not get rid of it. (do not ask how I remember that date but I do) Ella was the best baby ever though and she played in her crib next to my bed while I got a little extra nap and then I woke up feeling much better. Things were looking up... so I forced my butt out of the house and into the thrift store! That helped a lot. I found a few things and my bill was $8.80. GO ME!!! That's the kind of shopping I like. I had my favorite pasta for dinner and tried to help my Mr. with his speech homework but I do not think I was much help last night. I hope I cheered him up a bit when I suggested to turn it into a rap. Hey I tried to make him smile... So the day turned out to be pretty good. 

 

 

Those are a few of my favorite Ella moments from the weekend. I am just hanging out this Wednesday doing chores and planning for this weekend. Its my weekend with the older munchkins so lets see what kind of fun we can get into. No matter how bad the day can be at least I have my munchkins and my husband (well a long distance husband :) ). I love my family through all the GOOD and the BAD. We can only work hard and the GOOD things will happen. 

I hope everyone else is having a great week!!!

Thanks for reading...

Nicole

As I write this... I got up to change the laundry, cause well, that's my job around here, and I walked into WATER... yep water... and it was well, you know leaking from my WASHER!!! Really??? This is not the day, the week or the year for this. So of course I called the Mr. down in the Keys and broke the wonderful news. I dried up all the water, moved everything into the hallway and put another load in. So my house is now a wreck... again. As soon as I am done with this post I get to go and check the status of my swimming pool... uh, I mean laundry room. Whoever is dealing the cards, can you please reshuffle before the next hand? 

 

 

 

Flashback...

 

To January 15, 2006

 

_{( Kyle 3, Austin 2, & Chesney 6 months )}

Just a short trip back this week. Though it seems like just yesterday and a million years all at the same time. I was looking around my computer at pictures and I came across this and I smiled. Its so crazy to me how big these 3 are getting every day. They were all just babies not to long ago. I remember taking this picture. I took a few that night, trying so hard to get a cute picture of all three kids smiling in their matching pajama's. Chesney just was not having it that night. Kyle and Austin were good sports about it though. They did good trying to sit still for me. They were so happy and knowing that at that time things were pretty rough on me since I was in the middle of a divorce, and yet they still were 3 happy little munchkins makes feel so good. I do not have a house full of little babies anymore. Now they are BIG kids. Growing up so fast. 

 

I sure hope everyone has had a great week and that you have a super weekend!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

 Nicole

 

Flashback....

 

To October 13th 1981....

 

 

The day I was born.

 This is where the story begins. Well at least my story. So I thought this would be a good place to start. I was born at Southside Hospital, Bayshore, NY to a German Mama an a American Papa. I was "MADE" in Germany and then my mom came to the states when she was around 7 months pregnant with me. I lived in NY with my mom until the age of 6 when we packed up and headed south to sunny Florida. I moved up to Peachy Georgia when I was 19 and stayed there for a little bit, had a few babies, got one of those divorces and moved right back to Florida. Four years later I got hitched again and had baby # 4 and here we are, working on forever. 

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Soooo. I have decided that along with writing about life NOW... I want to share life before the BLOG. So to do this I thought we could do Flashbacks and because I love being corny... Yep you got it, we are going to do FLASHBACK FRIDAYS!!!! Every week I will find some picture from the past and post it with the story that goes with it. 

 

Well its late and I have got to get some sleep. I have a long day tomorrow and a busy busy weekend. I am really looking forward to FLASHBACK FRIDAYS!!! I can not wait to post the next one. I have been waiting all week to get this party started... 

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Nicole

WARNING!!!---I have now committed to Fridays... that means I will not always get this done on Fridays. If I just called this Flashbacks I would get it every Friday with no issue BUT I commited to Friday's so everything and anything that can come up and keep me from posting this on Friday's will happen. So sometimes we may have Flashbacks on all the other days. I will do my best but I know I have the worst luck in the world and it is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS when I commit to something. 

 

 

Just Tuesday...

Its Tuesday... Just plain old Tuesday... Whats the deal with Tuesday? Do we like it? Do we hate it like Monday? Its near the top of the hill... Almost the half way but not quite there. Does anybody even know when its Tuesday or are we still just so UGGG about Monday that we go through Tuesday like zombies and then start to open our eyes on Wednesday... 

Whatever it is... I am feeling kind of blah today...

Not to much going on right now. Ben is gone and I am having a hard time with it this week. Some weeks are easy and some just kill me. It becomes a roller coaster. I get so excited on Fridays and then down on Sundays and there is never enough time to do anything and I always feel as if we are just rushing from here to there and back again. I can not wait until we can all be in the same place at the same time. One day it will happen. One day...

Ella went to the Gastro doctor today for her 3 month follow up. She had her blood work done last week. (it breaks my heart every time) So the test shows her liver levels are still abnormally elevated but lower then before. So I think its good/bad news all in one. I am very happy that its lower but I still have no clue whats wrong so that is hard. I am happy to report that her "seizure" like episodes have slowed down a lot. Before Christmas it was almost every day. Now she has not had one in over 2 weeks. So that is AWESOME!!! So things on this are looking positive. I just want her to be a healthy and happy baby girl. 

       
       1) At the doctors...

In other news... Well there really is not to much other news right now. Ella is enjoying her exploring of the house. Kyle is trying to teach himself Origami. I was excited like a little kid over my little package coming in the mail with some new tape yesterday. Its the little things that get me sometimes. Everyone is happy and content so far this week... on this plain old Tuesday...

2) Little explorer...                                                                 3) New tape...

Good night everyone~

Nicole

The Adventures of Ella... Crawling

I had to come and share the BIG news of the day... Ella has started to crawl!!!! Its a messy, I am still getting the hang of this but ohhhhh sooooo cute crawl. This new adventure took my day for a spin. I was not ready for this. I have not fully baby proofed my house let alone the Keys house. I have lots of work ahead of me, all while chasing after this baby. It seems like a million years since Chesney was a baby so this is all new again.

Here are some photo's of Ella's big debut this morning...

 

1) Very proud of herself for escaping her play mat...

2) Showing Mommy her new moves... Mommy's cue to get rid of all the baby hazards...

3) Mommy moved Ella back to the play mat and turned around to pick something up and Ella was back off the mat and over at the table...

4) Such a proud girl...

 

We are a very proud Mama and Daddy!!!!

XOXOXOXOXO

NICOLE

 

Peaceful Little Weekend...

1) So proud of herself...

2) Backyard...

3) Playtime...

4) Crème Brûlée Date

5) It's almost nighty night, just a bit more play...

6) A place for my pins...

7) Oh to the ocean we shall go...

8) As the sun goes down...

9) Mr. & Mrs. ...

10) Sun shower...

11) Love...

12) B...

 

Hope your weekend was as peaceful as ours... 

xoxoxoxoxo

Nicole